Humour

These are assorted other things I wrote that are worth reading generally because they are funny. They are also however not suitable for work so don't blame me if you read them and you're offended or grossed out! If you're OK with them and they made you chuckle then you should probably follow my @Ideajuice account on Twitter.

See how I made you want to read them there?

i wuz born in the great northen city of iglooloopek in ontario canada in nine teen hunned and twenny three. Razed by wild beevers untill the age of twelve, I wuz fownd by a kind harted mountee name of jimee mitchill who took me in and began adaptin me to civilizacion.

at the age of seventeen, I wuz sent to attend pimary skool in ogoreeka saskatchuwon, wear I lurned to read, rite, spell and do rithmetic.

when I wuz twenny, they kicked me out cuz thay said I wuz too big and I wuz scaring the other kids. then I went back home and jimee mitchill helped me find a trade doin stumpin.

I wuz good at stumpin cuz I was razed by beevers and beevers nose stumpin!

anywaze, after I wuz a stumper for a wile, they cum and tole me I coodnt do no more stumpin, cuz I needid a stumpers lisens, and I coodnt get a lisens cuz I din't finish pimary skool.

so jimee mitchill tells me look he says, you need to go see the wurld. he says theres all these possabillitees out there and I shood go ecksplore, so I says OK.

so here I am twenny two yeerz old out wandering round without no munney or nuthin bummin stuff all the time and ecksplorin and it was neet and all but it was kinda scary. but it was nine teen hunned and fortee five and there wuz lotsa nice ladees willin to put a yung buck up for the nite if ya know what I mean.

so one night ime stayin at this one place here and theres this ladee whoze kinda old but she's still got the stuff in the rite place and she's kinda givin me the eye and before I know it we're up in the attic doin the oldest deed in the world.

well turnz out she's some kind a hoity toity who's lost her huzband in the wor an she's lookin for sum one to tend sheep and such and well... ya know.

so I says shur and so I tens sheep for a while and well... ya know.

and after a few years she says she's gonna put me in her will so I says OK and so a few years later she gets scrunched by a moose and so I enned up with a farm full of sheep and twelve thoushand three hunned and fifteen dollars, which wuz a lotta munney back in them days.

so I sent a bunch of munney to jimee mitchell, him bein so kind and all to resskew me from a life of mineless stump crunchin. and I sent along some too for him to plant some trees for the beevers who razed me, soze there childen could thrive and all.

and I sold the farm and sheep off to eefram micnalee for four thousand dollers and a brand new pickup truk frum his car lot. I remmember goin back there a few yeers later and he'd turned the whole farm into some kind of big storage place for old car reks and stuff.

now weer talkin bout nine teen fifty four here, and I wuz tired of livin out in the rooral parts and such and I had an itch to go off on a big adventoor somewere so I went and got outfitted with a full kit at woolworths and I got my way to peasmoth, nova scotia, which wuz a big port back then.

now I wuz lookin pretty good at the time bein thirdy one and very eligible. and like I says five diggits was a lotta dollars, so I wuz snoozin with the rich as the yung folk say today.

so I had a lotta ladees hangin by and I assed this one name eyeleen if she wants to go on a crooz around the world so she says ya.

so we go on a crooz and one nite we wuz up on the focksall or waddever and she got mad at me and went runnin back to the state room. so then the stooward cum by and so he says I look like I need a drink so he gets me a drink and it tastes prittee bad but he says go ahead so I does. Whooooooooo! So I don't rememmber much about the rest of the trip to ingland except eyeleen and I never said not one word to each other for the whole rest of the trip.

but I got to see a lotta stuff in this big whole world that a lotta peeple never get to see. Like I got to see a bunch of english cassles and stuff, and the buckinham palace. I dunno but they seem all drafty and such and I don't think I'd wanna spend my whole life livin in one.

an I saw the pyramids. very impressive, but they seem kinda pointless. I didn't get to see much after that, cuz I lost all my munney playin cardz with the crew who wuz helpin me lurn how to drink, but they let me keep on the trip cuz I knew how to cook good.

so when I got back I decide I wanna go see what reel civilization is so I go to tronow and I remmeember thinkin at the time how far I come from beevers.

I got a job in tronow doing greasin for people. There was lotta greasin jobs back then an I tell ya, I lurned a lotta bout greasin from the ground up. I even greased the main bear ring on the subway train which was first runnin in nineteen sixty four, me bein the chief greaser for all of tronow at the time.

I was a greaser for all of twenny years up till nineteen sevenny six when the ottomatic greasin machines took over, then there wuz no more greasers or greasin to be done. Well how's that for pogress!

so ime out a job but i gotta sack of munney packed away cuz i didn't lurn drinkin good and i gave it up and never had a whole lot of expensive anyway plus i hadda unemployment ensurance to go with and i just kinda puttered around experimenting with these new fangled lectronic pieces they was cookin up somewhere.

i'd got a whole bunch from when one of the ottomatic greasers kind of got broke when they wuz first puttin them in and we wuz mad and they wuz full of real pretty lookin little things with all kinds of bright cullers and diffrent shapes and I just kind of got inthralled.

it took me a long, long time to figger how they worked. I made all the first bits I got from the greaser do stuff like blow up and tern diffrint cullers and lots of them made smoke and oders and maybe sum blew the fuse but the landlord was wrong.

I kept gettin more stuff and the guy at the store wuz always glad when I cum and he sold me all the best and new stuff and I mostly just used it all up.

and I rememmber the one time when I noo I wuz gonna be a lectronic guy when I got the spark and the speeker when PPoooh!

preddy soon I wuz makin lites go off and buzzerz, and I even had a dial wunse to cuntroll the smoke and it's preddy eezy wunse you figger out there's stuff comin out of the wall wires, but you can't see it.

so I made me a pridictin masheen and it was reel preddy lookin since cuz now I'd got reel good at making good sawderin joints and stuff, so I took it to the ottomatic greaser folk and says are they interested?

well they lauffed fer a while and then they say they alreddy got one called a cumpewter but would I like a job sawderin greasers so I say no.

but it got me to thinkin bout cumpewters an how can they pridict stuff cuz I never got my pridictor perfected kwite a hunned persent.

so I go to a libary an look up cumpewters and it's all jibbrish so I wanna see for myself so I go out an buy one. you gotta know, these was a new thing back then so I wuz kinda lost and the salesman knew he had a live wun. He loded me up with a hole deluxe kit.

so I gets it home and plug in and it duzzent do nothing but some jibbrish on the screen. I got mad at it and hit it and noticed it put some more stuff on the screen. After I noticed when I hit a one of the buttons with a letter on it came up on the screen.

I figgered this was progress till I hit a button called "RETURN" and the cumpewter tole me it din't know what i was talkin bout.

Well I musta tried talkin to it for close to five years before I finely figgered it out, but it's got a verry limited vocablary compared to me and you.

So I came to these nice peeple here at QNX and showed them my cumpewter nollidge and they took to me right kindly. I got a job here and it's real nice. I got lots of buttons here and stuff that goes whizz and click. We got a whole room of cumpewters in all diffrent shapes and stuff going clik, whirr, whizz, beep and we all get to make them do that.

It's real good that there's jobs for making whirr clik stuff. I'd like maybe someday if I was the beep guy, or maybe the whirr boy, but right now they got me doin clik. I guess there's a lot of clik to be done, and peeples want their click on time and done right.


Copyright © 2000 Pete Patterson. All rights reserved.

Mary Sullivan stumbled across a thread of Pete Patterson's home page, found his poem, Roses, liked it, and asked for permission to lift a copy. A good-natured debate ensued on the nature of free verse vs. rhythm & rhyme, which quickly escalated into a . .

rapid-fire,
no-holds-barred,
knock-down-drag-out,
winner-take-all

12-Day WAR

(all in fun -- hee, hee, hee.)

When rhyme prevails, everybody wins!

For clarification, Pete's messages are shown in normal font and Mary's in italics. They follow in logical sequence, but for any who may require a program guide, the subjects of salvos are:

Wow!
Double Wow!
Stream-of-Consciousness Thing
Ouch!!!
Upchurch Status
Attachment Misfire
Character Sketch
Words
In Response to Words
Preface to Trilogy
Hail to Thee
Battle Plan
Poor Pete
In Response to Response to Words
Abrupt Ending
Ground Rules
Rally Cry
Alphabet Soup
Threadbare
No Idle Threat
The Great Verbal Vanquishment of Mary Upchurch Sullivan


Pete Patterson

Subject: Wow!

You people are fanatic
You have toys up in your attic
Now I must be quite emphatic
My decision's automatic

There's a tendency for rhyme
That is bordering on crime
And if life were more sublime
I would join you all the time

As it is it is too busy
And I'm always in a tizzy
Writing code that makes me dizzy
And that makes my brain go frizzy

Writing code to clear the screen
Writing code to make screen green
Writing code that is real lean
Writing code that is real mean

Writing code that doesn't rhyme
Writing code that runs on time
Writing code to draw a line
Writing code line after line

You can see I'm in a pickle
Lifes demands can be so fickle
Paying rent is so critical
Being broke just doesn't tickle

So I live by writing code
Could be worse if truth be told
And if I may be so bold
I'll enjoy it when I'm old

I do wish you all the best
With your efforts I'm impressed
Rhyme and rythym pass the test
Proper syllables are stressed

Dale and Buddy can't spell dick
Hal is witty, sharp and quick
Alice Jean has got the trick
And you Mary, you're quite slick

Hadn't time to read them all
What I've read has been a ball
But some other time I'll call
Until then take care y'all


Mary Sullivan

Subject: Double Wow!

Has continuing discourse
On poetic genre's course
Gained a convert to the force
Versifying sans remorse?

Your unusual critique
(Crisp & witty tongue-in-cheek
Versifying at it's peak)
Indicates you've sprung a leak!

Have communiques of late
Caused your mind to vacillate . . .
Filled your head with rhythmic gait?
Food for Hungry Reader's plate!

Upchurch Family agrees
Pete can play the game with ease.
Join us monkeys in the trees
Any bloomin' time you please!


Pete Patterson


Subject: Stream-of-Consciousness Thing

Here's a long stream of consciousness rhyming text thing, that unto you I hope will some small pleasure bring. Having gone through the week, I have time to admit, that it pleasured me much when your comment me hit.

Many times I'm depressed by the fact that most persons appreciativeness, well it worsens and worsens. And any new effort spent in that direction will cause them to try to avoid your detection. This saddens me so that I ceased to seek solace, soliciting strangers that say "No don't call us, We'll call you if we're ever in such dire need, that some tri-poly-syllabic drivel we need". So the point of it all having gone I just quit, cause it's pointless if some one don't 'preciate it!

Now you may have bit off a tad more than you thought, when to my Wicked Webbing your button click got. But on clicking to yours, I'm inclined to propose, that a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose.

And a thorn is a thorn, and a shoe is a shoe, and in a big pinch a chinchilla will do.

Sorry bout that, see I just threw it in, it came out of my head, dunno how it got in. There's a lot of strange stuff up in my creaky attic, it tumbles around coz it's on automatic. Like a washing machine as it mixes the clothes, there's a sock and a sweater, but gosh what are those?

I can feel Dr. Seuss taking over my head, but I'm calm cool and comfy, there's no sign of dread. He's now making up critters like wallwoogs and woozzes, and crambles and crinquoks and quillallazoozes! Kerkwankles and quindles and twintlemadews. He's filling my head with his damn insane zoos!!!

Oh I fear what you've done Mary, run while you can. You've unleashed a demon in this humble man. A relapse of what I feared most at this juncture.. Oh someone please hurry and this bubble puncture! "No rhyme this time" - please go and re-read it. It wasn't just fiction, you really should heed it. There's really no more for me now but to babble. Ignore me from now on and go and play Scrabble.


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: Ouch!!!

(An ode to "No Rhyme this Time")

In reading your pleadingly eloquent terms,
I see I have opened a fresh can of ... slimy crawly critters.

You most certainly did! And I hope you're aware
That you've ruined my life with your great lack of... feeling for others

An innocent comment, ere I could blink twice,
Has lured you reluctantly back into ... an undesirable habit.

It most certainly has! Now I think that I'm toast
This is what I have feared. It's what I have feared... greatest

But don't expect pity or penitent guilt
From one who's enjoying your plight to the ... limit.

Well how can I blame you, I see you're toast too
The thing is to think about what now to.. enact

As certain as misery loves company,
I'll never say die 'til you're crazy as ... myself.

So it's war that you want! Well it's war you now got!
You've got a battalion, alas I... don't

You said it yourself, it defies interdiction,
There's really no cure for this rhyming ... malady,

We'll see about that, I can think of but one
It's a fight to the death, and no rest till we're... finished

And if you are stricken, you may as well face it --
Just boldly confront it and gladly ... welcome it with open arms.

No never I say, cause I've been there before
And I long long ago boarded up that bad.. portal

'E Unibus Plurum!' -- a notable creed
With self-satisfaction the ultimate ... requisite.

You appreciate Latin! A worthy opponent!
Verbal fencing with you raises stakes by.... mathematical power

Quite simply expressed, if it feels good then do it,
And if it's too much of a burden then .... (well, you get my drift.)

But the same could be said of some other addictions
Should we pursue, eschew, or ignore our... ailment?

The most I can offer is small consolation,
But writing in verse brings it's own ... satisfactory payment.

Yes... the white coat, a free room, and three squares a day
Electro shock treatment is one step... further

So sing from the rooftop and shout from the rafter,
The hungry shall feast happily ... from now on.

Well feast them away although forewarned be ye,
You won't get one more little peep out of... Yours Truly

Recalcitrant poets may grumble and groan
While stingily serving the masses a ... hollow calcified substance.

Well a calcified substance can make some good soup
And the masses, well really, that's quite a large... number of people

The world may ignore us but that matters-none,
The muse is still kicking in Pete ... Whatsisname!

Oooh.. an insult! The wench, she's forgotten my name!
So much for the chance of some fortune and... renown


Pete Patterson

Subject: Upchurch Status

. . . I hereby bestow upon you the coveted rank of
Honorary Upchurch Cousin.
(No, you may not decline the award.) . . . Mary

Now Mary, I hope I can say this unblunt
For some delicate phrasing of words do I... search
I'm flattered by all of this simple attention
But wonder I where leads this shift in... vector

Your tribute of bringing me in to your fold
An honour and pleasure, may I be so... forward
But will this Upchurch status upon me infer
Any titles like Lord, Lady, Lackey or... Mister?

And when family stories are traded on high
Well will anyone remember Pete with a... long breath?
Were I You and You I You would see through my eye
Whereupon all these questions from my lips do... take flight

As a cousin though I know that I must endorse
You proposal to link, well you may... but certainly
And if wishing to quote any email you be
Not ashamed, growing proud, go ahead, I.. concur

Old Suess is since gone, he has since been replaced
By some sick sod named Ceril - I say so staight... countenanced
I think now of less mythological creatures
Like Helen and Sue and their beautiful... attributes


Pete Patterson

Subject: Attachment Misfire

. . . Speaking of Jabberwocky,
if indeed you are still speaking to me, what's this???
(It followed your last message.) . . . Mary

>M>\^(C(!+$#%^^??)(&&%^@*%*NT*%))#$*(
885*)%*!_@*%%*GTN%T%*(+%^)_)*)+^()((#*%

Were I pressed into having to hazard a guess
On the nature and cause of the thus quoted... untidiness

I would say that it happened when with some detachment
A button clicked I for some 'Rich Text'... addendum

I'll look in the book where your address I wrote
And the box with the pox from the book I will... strike in a Godlike manner

There could be some trouble in doing that though
I've three different programs through which I can... get forth

>M>\^(C(!+$#%^^??)(&&%^@*%*NT*%))#$*(
885*)%*!_@*%%*GTN%T%*(+%^)_)*)+^()((#*%

It sure does look funny, that big wad of stuff
It's as though simple words are no longer... sufficient

There have to be whistles and some sort of bell
And some programmers life made a preview of... Hades


Pete Patterson

Subject: Character Sketch

Further thought if time you've got:

* * *

For a character sketch of this humble unit
Your browser to my home sweet home page please tune it
Upon the big binary bistro bit bucket
(the picture up top) place your cursor then struck it

There's an image of me, yes it's quite a good shot
And abridged there in text, my lifes story is got
Please puruse it at leisure, but please don't ask questions
Cause it kind of veers off in some quite strange directions

I'll send you some more if you like what's been done
There's a follow up on these three here to name one
I'll send it tomorrow, cause now I'm rhymed out
If you have a rebuttal, please give me a shout


Pete Patterson

Subject: Words

I wonder where words went when willed I to send them?
Some silence since passed, no reply, no addendum.
Well will I just wait while we both grow some older?
Why wouldn't I whack words some more to be bolder?

Word whacking is well worth the time that is taken
The practice is good for the heart that is achin
Whenever we want what we won't want to have
Whacking words is a wickedly wonderful salve

You asked me one day who I read, I told not
And to tell you the truth, I have mostly forgot
I can tell you one thing that I know will sure please you,
Cause others to love and admire and appease you

If asking the masses to quote you some prose
The lastestest answer you'll get will be "Rose"
And usually the answer the mostestest time
Will the singular thing be, your good buddy "Rhyme"

When casting my mind back to who I had read
One thing came clear to me up in this ole head
When memree is working to ree member stuff
Free verse prose won't come through, free words aren't enough

I remember some lines from the old Dan McGrew
The Raven, The Mariner, Old Xanadu
But free verse eludes me, it must not be vital
My mind has erased it along with it's title

I hope you'll pass along this most impressive observation
To folks who try to 'cure' you with some trifling obfuscation
I think I've now accepted that I'm really rhymaholic
And with your clan without a plan from time to time I'll frolic


Mary Sullivan

(Note to Reader: The following brief segment,
repeated and continued further down on the page,
is inserted here for truer sequencing.)

Subject: In Response to Words

Brashly sent out trilogy
Without checking prev'yusly
Message from the other end,
Now I see you're on the mend.

Cancel plea for said reprieve,
Friend of mine, I do believe,
You have seen the light like I.
Whack those words and let 'em fly!


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: Trilogy

Preface . . .

Having been to battle sworn,
Rose to fight at early morn.
Tried and tried and tried again --
Earthlink wouldn't let me in.

Honor makes me trust your word
Disbelief would be absurd
I've encountered much the same
When to your pages first I came

(Dutiful offspring no doubt
Sending Mother's greetings out.
Waited while Eudora slept . . .
Long delay could not be hep'd.

Must admit I called my Mom
When first aroused by rising sun
Bid a wish from her best son
That she would have a happy one

Beg reprieve at this address!
I could really use the rest.
(Curse of the insomniac --
Need to get my life on track.

Reprieve is granted this one time
Granted yet in splendid rhyme
Used to be insomniacious
Now I'm just plain perspicacious


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: First of Trilogy

Hail to Thee

Hail to thee, Sir Pete,
Whatever shall I do?
I fear I can't compete
With one so "tetched" as you.

Sure you can, come on let's see it
All you need to do is free it
You know just as well as me
That verse is up there, always free

I called on relatives
To help keep you at bay . . .
With minor expletives
They just said, "GO AWAY!"

Yellow I say!
And coward and chicken!
Get back here to them,
Get you back, Take your licken!

Defend ye your honour,
For now and for ever,
Defend you it now,
Or from it the bond sever

Would you let an upstart
Just fresh in the fold,
Outdo you in what your ancestry does hold,
To be such a calling as ever was told,
In stories and books that were passed from on old?

Battalion is bereft
Of words to daze and dazzle,
They have no verses left --
I've worn them to a frazzle.

Upon my heart
A sadness starts
A double tragedy
She ruined my life
Brought me such strife
And now have I to she

I've laid such waste
To her estate
I've laid her family ruin
Oh shameful act
Oh tragic fact
Knew not what I was doin

Oh, never mind the fact
I'm bleeding, bruised and broken,
So callously attacked,
Alas, the troops have spoken.

What's this? Reprieve?
Should I not grieve?

Initial skirmish fought
Suggests solo surrender?
Aha, no I think not . . .
I plead nolo contendre!

Revives she!
Survives she!
Alive She!

High five me!


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: Second of Trilogy

Battle Plan

Hark, what is that I vaguely hear
Now faintly whisp'ring in my ear?
The stirrings of a second wind?
Perhaps I'll live to fight again!

She's hearing those voices again in her ear
We really should take her to Dr. VerMeer
He said it would happen again and it did
Just what should we do now to finally rid . . .

poor Mary of these auditory infractions
that enter her senses as symbol abstractions
and cause her to rhyme with such regular habit
There's got to be some sort of treatment, Dagnabbit!

I must defend the Upchurch name
Lest you should prematurely claim
A total victory was won
Before the battle had begun.

Some spirit is shown by my worthy opponent
For a very short time I had thought her indolent
But now I see clearly that she has the will
To back up her claims with some verbacious skill

So let's go at it one on one
And no let up till war is won
A war of words twist you and I
No quarter given, don't say die!

The setback's only temporary --
I've spied on camp of adversary.
Armed with a new determination
I will eschew all obfuscation.

Ha! Scoundrel, sneaky scalliwag,
Through deepest muck your name I drag.
If spying is to be your trick,
Then to fair play I will not stick

I might just use a simalee,
Or meta-four, or meta-three
The gloves are off, the dogs let slip
Word war will we wager with what words we wish to whip

On enemy I've got the goods:
"Razed by beevers" in the woods.
(Handsome devil, truth be said,
Electrodes sticking out your head.)

Ahh . . . you've seen it. Now you know
You're dealing with a clever 'bro
I hesitate to say a 'pro
But if I'd tried, you never know

Like the picture? My own work . . .
I had to hide the clever smirk
Me at work doing some magic
Kinda sad, and somewhat tragic

Yes, I have electric hair
Can't imagine why it's there
Glowing eyes and halo too!
A neon aura, sometimes blue

But think thou not that flattering
Will save you from a battering
You know quite well, I'm a devil. Pray tell,
Did the horns or the tail do the tattling?

Born "nine teen hunned twenny three"
Cousin Pete thou may not be.
I suppose I really oughtter
Change your title to Grandfodder.

Sir I like, prefer it much
I'd really like to keep it such
And as I said in prior mail
I'm thirty five . . . forget the tale

I hope it brought a grin to you
It really was quite fun to do
My workmates think I am quite nuts
But I don't care I'm such a putz

I will say this in it's defense
Without remorse or false pretense
You must agree I am not lying
When I maintain it foiled your spying

I shan't reveal my battle plan,
But mind your p's and q's, old man.
The lines are drawn, the stage is set,
And you ain't had the last word yet!

My p's mind themselves and my q's are quite querrolous
Wait till my i's and my t's make life perilous
W is a wonderful weapon to use
When wild women's words waken world weary muse

The seige begins, the walls I man
Knowing not your battle plan
But fear I not for well I'm armed
Assail at will, I won't be harmed


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: Third of Trilogy

Poor Pete

Now offer benediction, please
Upon an old decrepit geez-

Decrepit eh? Well we'll just see
Who in the end decrepit be . . .

er stricken with a grave disease.
Hanging from the highest trees,

A grave disease, so maintain ye . . .
And hanging yet, a fie on thee . . .

Talking to the birds and bees
Slowly twisting in the breeze,

I argue that I don't agree
I talk not so, oh hear my plea . . .

Coveting a life of ease --
Wealth and fame and royalties,

Now this I think resembles me
I don't deny this true may be

Entertaining fantasies . . .
Going crazy by degrees.

Ah, you do so clearly see
Into my life, the fantasy

But miss you this -- that by degree
I grow more sane, not more crazy


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: In Response to Response to Words

Brashly sent out trilogy
Without checking prev'yusly
Message from the other end
Now I see you're on the mend.

You see too late my lady dear
You sent too late these words I hear
When they come back to hit your eyes
They'll come back with a new surprise

You now shall feel my iron will
As rhythm, rhyme and meter drill
Into your conscious waking thoughts
Into your mind there hatching plots

Cancel plea for said reprieve,
Friend of mine, I do believe
You have seen the light like I . . .
Whack those words and let 'em fly!

Here's a barrage, there's tons of ammo
Why else have words like whacko and whammo?
Letting it fly is as easy as falling
I think that we both may have found out our calling


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: Abrupt Ending

. . . in reference to "I wonder where words went

Your message I got well it went stop right here
Did modem the carrier drop in spot queer?
Or did you intend at this spot to stop short
Cause it seems a bit strange that this be your retort

Right here I think I thought the war had ended
Where rhyme had been successfully defended
But foolishly I woke a sleeping giant
And now the raging bull paws dirt defiant.

Or was this the finallest gasp of your breath
Have I rhymed and re-rhymed you to point of near death?
Is this abrupt ending a sign of submission?
Has my vicious verbage vexed you to contrition?

I did misjudge, as formerly admitted.
I'm frightened, yes, and feeling ill-befitted.
But fight I will, for I am breathing yet.
No, not again will you observe me sweat!

Brain numb, tongue dumb
Rhymed out for now but heed well my vow

"You'll never outlast me
You can't put one past me
These words not my last be
You should have not sassed me"


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: Ground Rules

I agree wholeheartedly
To a verbal war with thee
Without recompense or fee
Save spasmodic squeals of glee

Splatter verses far and wide
End on end or side by side.
Versifiers needn't hide
'Neath poetic changing tide.

I have only one request.
As by now I'm sure you've guessed,
Weekday hours are sorely pressed . . .
Must reserve a few for rest.

Hate to interrupt the fun,
Just need time to clean my gun.
(Seems I'm not the only one
Lacking in self-disciplun.)

Work and home and fam'ly ranks
Just above such foolish pranks.
I will soon fill in the blanks --
For your patience, deepest thanks.


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: Rally Cry

I've got you now, and got you sure
You giving up? Too premature...
Not to be so callous hearted
But I'm just barely getting started

I'll honor the commitment quoth
Until they do commit us both.
They'll send the white coats out to get us,
But we'll have fun till they outwit us.

Took my time to make a reply
You will see the reason why
Rapid fire is pretty lame
Heed me, take more careful aim

Plan your salvo, take some time
Anyone can spin a rhyme
Crafting one's a different matter
Take the time to tune the patter

Right you are, we'll quickly tire
Of missiles hurled without a reason.
Let's raise stakes a little higher --
I'm now declaring open season.

Work on your alliteration
Stunning stuff in application
Simply slick sophistication
Stick some in, it's sure salvation

My pesky penpal, nose in air,
Has hatched a plot designed to shame us,
By tauntingly suggesting where
Lives one illiterate ignoramus.

From Texas to Ontario
A challenge here will demonstrate
In this unique scenario,
Just who will best alliterate?

I'll see your bet and raise you one --
With onion versus rutabaga --
Now carry on as here begun,
In rhyme from alpha to omega.

The subscript will itself explain,
It's guaranteed to make you curse me.
While whacking subsequent quatrain,
Ole Pete will surely beg for mercy!


Mary Sullivan/Pete Patterson

Subject: Alphabet Soup

A, an able anchor as an aimless annotation
Burbles in the battling brains of blubbering baboons.
Cacophonic call concocts concurred collaboration --
Devils dancing didos over dimlit desert dunes.

Expending epic effort, an extreme expense of energy
Fairness far forgotten, fading fast, and fun to follow
Good gracious and good golly.. got to get girl good or Gee,
He'll hereafter hear her heckling in his low hung head so hollow

If imminent imprisonment of idle id inhibits
Jest of joint jihad that jumbles jowls and jangles jaws,
Kamikaze kangaroo can keenly kick and kibitz,
Lightly leaping labored limits of linguistic laws.

My message may make Mary muse much more merrily
Never negligent, now I know not necessarily
On other occasions occurring ordinarily
Pete Patterson pre-empted para-militarily

Queasy quasi quipsters quibble quintessentially.
Rabblerousing repartee reveals, when rightly rung,
Sequences of sounds that surge in sing-song symmetry --
Titillating tutelage to tease the twisted tongue.

Underhanded ugliness just now understood
Vicious vowels and X, vex verbal vindication
When waging we war, I wish wager we would
(X-cuse X-trapolation in my X-communication)

If yammering of yeoman yet yields yawn to yokel's yen:
Zombie, zip thy zeal-less lip and go and study Zen.


Pete Patterson/Mary Sullivan

Subject: Threadbare

Mary with vocabulary
How does your writing go?
With all those l's
What words you spell
And little k's all in a row

Taunting challenge you did blow off,
You're a smarty-pants and show off,
Naught for me to do but go off ...
'n' eat worms.

* * *

Looked quick, not there
Oh well, thread bare
No words, no where
Not good, not fair

Look high, look low
Where did she go
Went hither, went yon
Where has she gone

She plan, she plot
Word war we got
I fear, I fright
She may, She might

Why slow? Why wait?
Will her seal fate?
When attack? When raid?
How her plan laid?

Subject: No Idle Threat

I lag, you nag.
I drag white flag.

I slept, you crept.
I wept, inept.

Unkind pun find,
Stun mind, run blind.

Implored Dear Lord.
Explored keyboard . . .

I see neat key,
Make me Pete-free!

Emit one bit
More wit, I hit . . .

D E
L E
T E
Mem-ree.


Pete Patterson

The Great Verbal Vanquishment of Mary Upchurch Sullivan

It started in the 90's and it lasted quite a while
Seven season's cycles went around the season dial
It started with a comment made by Mary to a fellow
With electric hair, an aura, horns, a tail and brain of jello

The comment was quite simple, but it sparked an epic war
A war of words that echoed far and wide from shore to shore
A world wide web of watchers would eventu-ally witness
What would have never happened had she checked her words for fitness

The jello brained receiver of the comments made by Mary
Went nuts! He went so far off the deep end that it was scary.
He blew some sort of gasket when her innocent remark
Within the wires inside his head caused some small sort of spark

He started rhyming madly and he found he couldn't stop
He blamed poor Mary thinking it was from her it he got
He rhymed and rhymed till his rhymer was sore
And then he rhymed some more

But Mary wouldn't let it rest, she had to get a word in
She dutifully wrote always back, it soon became a burden
She worked all day and then she worked all night in isolation
Typing rhythm & rhyme, rhythm & rhyme, and rhyme & alliteration

The bits they flew from wire to wire
Bits got bigger, Stakes got higher
Strangers heard and whispered word
To others, others came and heard

The pattern just went on and on
Start at dusk and go till dawn
Seven years until one day
The jello brainer went away

What's this? I've won? Our Mary thought
But dare I think what may be not
I'd better wait until I'm certain
Before I raise the victory curtain

Another day, and still no Jello
Did I vanquish that foul fellow?
I hear not his odorous bellow?
Did his cockiness I mellow?

One more day will pass said she
Before declaring Victory
If tomorrow shows he not
I will say I have him got

Silent seconds passed like minutes
Tension stretched beyond it's limits
Thousands waited anxiously
Knowing not what soon would be

The answer arrived
At ten after five
On the fifth of May
Seven years to the day
Of the causal event
Of the effort spent
On the exercise

Our jellow brained fellow had taken the time
To build a machine that could make up a rhyme
Poor Mary was doomed when the switch was first thrown
The watchers agreed with a unison groan

It soon was apparent she could not keep up
With the pace of the demon machine
It matched her each move with precision
In a person it would have been mean

As it was the machine was so good it was stunning
The watchers were shocked, they thought it was so cunning
And soon our dear Mary was cutting and running
She threw in the towel when it started punning


With rhymer sore, I yield the floor.
So ends the war, forevermore!

Dear Doctor


Dear Dr. Ruth:

I want to let you know how much I appreciated your book "Even Wankers Can Get Laid". It has changed my life. I'm looking forward to applying your advice, and finding a nice young woman who is willing to have sex with me. It will be so good to have a real live partner instead of this pillow which is the only partner I have ever known.

I have a few questions I'm hoping you can advise me on from a womans perspective though. I hope you can answer them for me. I think I'm on the right track, but I need a bit of help from you to fine tune my approach. I was also wondering if you'd mind me calling you for instructions once I have someone in bed and ready to go... I do have a speakerphone.

  • Pick Up Lines

    I suppose it's whatever works, but how does a woman feel if a man says "You look kind of like this girl I'd like to screw.. how bout it?".

  • Interpreting Signals

    I missed out on learning all the subtleties of romance... does a raised middle finger indicate a womans preference for some specific type of sex act?

    When I make eye contact and she rolls her eyes upward and leans her head away... is that a come on?

  • Interpreting Language

    Does 'asshole' mean they prefer anal sex?

    How come "Screw you" never seems to mean what is says?

    When a guy tells me he wants to toss my salad, does that mean he wants to have sex with my date?

  • Setting the Mood

    What kind of scented candles are more romantic... hash or marijuana?

    How often can I check my email without her thinking I'm not paying attention to her?

  • Role Playing

    How does a woman feel when a man asks her to 'dress up'?

    Is there a standard way to translate her dress size into a pillowcase size?

  • Pillow Talk

    Is it kosher to coach a woman on the kind of thing you like to hear her say in the heat of passion. For instance... would asking her to say "I've been dreaming of this since I gave birth to you" be acceptable?

    How about "Daddy, Daddy.. can I go on the pony ride"?

  • Hygeine and Presentation

    I know that women appreciate a man shaving down below... is after shave appropriate?

    I know that size really isn't as important as skill, but still... can you pass on some makeup techniques that might help me make it look bigger and more impressive?

  • Safe Sex

    Are those expiry dates on condoms serious?

    How many times should you rinse them out before they're no good?

    Can I just run them through the dishwasher with some extra spot remover?

  • Sex Positions

    Is missionary position where she's kneeling down blowing you like a missionary in prayer?

    Does doggie style involve sniffing each others arsehole.?

    This girl I know that wears a lot of leather and chains invited me over to her place for some S&M. I assume that she means Snuggling and Massage.. should I go?

    This cute blonde girl wants to give me a golden shower... but she doesn't have a shower in her apartment. What does she mean?

    This guy at work offered to fix me up with a drag queen... are these girls who adore race car drivers?

  • Group Sex

    Is a pillow considered a participant if it's required by one of the people in order to complete the act?

  • Her Needs

    Is it OK to keep a vibrator handy in case I finish before her?

    How soon after orgasm is it permissible to turn on the TV?

    Does a woman appreciate a pizza being delivered just after sex as much as a man does?

  • Performance Issues

    Is it still considered premature if some of it lands on her?

  • The Morning After

    Is it considered impolite to ask her to bring her own towel and toiletries if you expect her to spend the night?

    Is it OK to ask her for a security deposit if you have to go to work before she leaves the house?


Copyright © 2001 Pete Patterson. All rights reserved.


Dear Gideon Society:

By the time you read this letter I'll be gone. I don't know if I will jump or gas myself, but I can no longer live with the torment I have bought upon myself. Better to end it than to struggle with the despair that comes with realizing how unworthy I am.

When I was down on my luck, I stayed in a cheap hotel room in a seedy part of town. Your society had placed a bible there in the room, but I never read it. It did fit nicely under an old rickety chair I had with one short leg, so for six long years while I stayed in that room the bible kept my chair from wobbling.

Things eventually turned around for me and I moved out of that room to go on to bigger and better things, but when I took my furniture, the bible came with me to keep the old chair from wobbling. I got better furniture eventually, but I kept the bible around... stuck in a drawer dusty and unused and forgotten.... until recently.

I happened to be down on my luck again, and all of my possessions were lost in the bankruptcy, but they let me keep this old bible... and I finally got around to reading what's inside it.

Now inside it talks about what's good and what's bad, and I had always lived my life using my own sense of justice, but it seems I am a sinner. In addition to being a failure, it seems that God has it in for me because I actually stole this bible, and stealing things is a sin.

I am constantly tormented now with thoughts of how someone might have read the bible and been spared the fires of hell if only I had not lifted this copy of the bible from that room so long ago. Maybe some fair maiden would have thought twice about giving up her virtue out of wedlock if only I had left this book in the very bedtable beside which she lost it.

Young impressionable children... left alone while the adults played... could very well have been spared some horrid fate if only they had had the opportunity to read the Lords admonition to "Love thy neighbour" or been subjected to the object lesson of Lot's wife turning to a pillar of salt.

In any event... I am too morose and full of self loathing to catalog any more of the many horrid scenarios that constantly plague my thoughts. There is no peace for me in this life... I must go... and I hope that you will not think any more unkindly of me after my life has ended than you surely do now.


Copyright © 1993 Pete Patterson. All rights reserved.

Yes... it's very irreverant. I would hope that the good people who work for the Gideon society have the sense of humour to see the absurdity in this. (i.e please God... smite me not!)

The Hernia Journals


Hernias are quite a bother. Here's what you have to look forward to...

Part I - The Affliction

 Of late I've been a home boy
 While I wait for some relief
 From a bothersome affliction
 That has caused me so much grief
 
 Be careful lifting heavy weights
 Or surely it'll learn ya
 You'll rupture your poor abdomen
 And end up with a hernia
 
 Now hernias aren't life threatening
 Unless you just ignore them
 It's relatively simple
 For a surgeon to restore them
 
 But while you wait for surgery
 The wound itself produces
 A bulging down around the groin...
 Massage can help reduce this
 
 Massage is not an action though
 To be performed at work
 For without pants it best is done
 And peers think you a jerk
 
 I think I know the cause how'err
 I'll have to tell the Doc -
 "The strain's too great,
 There's too much weight
 Please liposuck my c*ck"
 
 

Part II - Pre OP

 I sit with hairy parts exposed
 With others in a hallway
 I'm wearing a bizarre green smock
 I hope I'm not here all day
 
 These things that pass for slippers
 Look to me just like a hair net
 This smock that fastens in the back...
 From Russia, it's a fair bet
 
 They call my name, I shuffle in
 They only want to weigh me
 I sit back down, my mood is frown
 For this you couldn't pay me
 
 They call again, I shuffle back
 This time I get a bed
 I lay awake observing all
 They treat me like I'm dead
 
 About an hour later
 Someone comes to ask some questions
 And after that another
 Asks of my post-op intentions
 
 I tell them that I'd rather be
 Near anywhere but here
 They say they'll send me home as soon
 As urine's running clear
 
 I lay another hour
 While the traffic pattern flows
 They wheel in empty gurneys
 After each one loaded goes
 
 Eventually it's my turn
 Loosen brakes and wheel the bed
 Down hallways steeped in history
 As I build a sense of dread
 
 

Part III - The Journey

 I'm in a very strange domain
 With lot's of other beds
 With people looking serious
 With thoughts in all our heads
 
 There's not a lot of chatter
 Though we're all in shape to talk
 We all seem quite reflective
 As we listen to the clock
 
 Machines abound of unknown use
 And folks rush to and fro
 All dressed in green
 A surreal scene
 Till down the hall I go
 
 

Part IV - Zero Hour

 They seem to all be smiling
 Though it.s really hard to tell
 The lights are bright
 They strap me tight
 I smell a funny smell
 
 I sign the sheet
 They shoot me up
 And sterilize my crotch
 The drugs take hold
 The clock slows down
 I float above and watch
 
 There?s nothing much to feel
 Except the temperature of things
 And not so very often
 Tugs and jabs and prods and stings
 
 The purpose of restraining me
 Comes gradually more clear
 I want to pinch the nurses butt
 Whenever she comes near
 
 I joke and laugh and badger them
 As they complete their work
 They either think I'm really cool
 Or just a stupid jerk
 
 It's over in an hour plus some
 To me it was much less
 The morphine made it seem more like
 Ten minutes as a guess
 
 

Part V - Post OP

 Another ward
 But now I've been convicted
 
 It is my duty to pee by 7:00 p.m.
 Or the parole board won?t let me out
 All the inmates are sneaking looks around
 ? shifty eyed?
 
 The guards make the rounds
 'Your pillow is too flat'!
 'Your bed is too flat'!
 'Your bed is not flat enough'!
 
 They make me drink something
 They tell me to sleep
 
 THEY aren't going to break ME?.
 
 I rattle my plastic cup against the bars on the side of the bed
 
 'Water, I demand water!'
 
 The guard has to check with the warden
 The warden says it's OK
 
 I must pee
 I MUST pee!
 
 Two of the guards escort one of the inmates to the privy
 'Let us know if you need help' as the door closes
 
 Minutes and minutes go by
 
 One of the guards returns?. Knocks and enters
 
 More minutes.
 
 A glum looking inmate comes out with the guard
 I just know she couldn?t pee so sad really
 
 My water guard walks by
 'Excuse me'? I ask in a low voice
 'Could I have a coffee? I've got a headache'?
 
 Will they see through my ruse?
 She's got to ask the warden again, but I know they have coffee
 
 'What do you take in it?'
 
 I WILL pee!
 I KNOW I will pee!!
 

Part VI - Recovery

 They let me leave the prison
 They let me come on home
 So now I'm convalescing
 And peeing on my own
 
 It's difficult to move around
 It's difficult to stand
 It's difficult to sit or lie
 I sure could use a hand
 
 The wound I had is healing though
 They've sewn things back in place
 My groin was very flaccid
 But now that's not the case
 
 My groin has now been tightened up
 And when I masturbate
 My wad now hits the ceiling
 And I just think that's great
 

Copyright © 1997 Pete Patterson. All rights reserved.

Quest for Docs

This is a real posting to a companies newsgroup asking for documentation on how to program one of their devices. The names have been omitted for clarity... or rather for lack of it.


Username: codewarrior
Date: 7/24/2002 9:21:24 AM
Subject: AT Command document for Snopplegrammer Modem
Message:
Hi there...

I write device drivers, and have been doing so for a number of years. Until recently, I was the manager of the device driver group at QNX (www.qnx.com). I left there to pursue an intense personal interest in the promotion, use and growth of wireless connectivity solutions of all types.

I have many different operating systems here, and I would dearly love to be able to use my Snopplegrammer Modem under all of them, and I would be happy to enable other people who would like a choice other than Windows to do so as well.

I understand from reading earlier posts in this forum that there is a document available to people who ask nicely detailing a set of AT commands whereby I am assuming the device can be treated as a modem with probably some extra commands to control the wireless capabilities.

If I spare you the ten page ramble about how the commands neccessary to use the device you just payed an arm and a leg for used to just be printed in the manual that came with it, will you consider me to have asked nicely for the purposes of this exercise?

I'll say please if I have to. I'll even go pretty please. Heck... I'll say pretty please with sugar on top if I have to, but I don't want to go past asking nicely to asking in a pathetic manner, so please let me know how far you need me to go, and I'll get right on it.

PS - Thanks in advance unless you're one of those people who hate people who thank you in advance in which case forget I thanked you in advance and just give me the document!

PPS - BTW - I am a Canadian! I hope that helps. If you think I'm just trying to get in your good graces... well.. umm... I'm just trying to be NICE!! Oh why did you have to make it so I had to be nice to get this. I'm not very good at it. Why couldn't you make it so we have to ask often, or we have to ask on a Friday or something else that's reasonable. But noooooo.... you have to ask us to be NICE!!!

PPPS - OK... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have lost it like that... I'm OK... I really am nice... really... please don't hold that outburst against me. I said please don't hold it against.... wait.. hey.. I ASKED YOU NICELY NOT TO HOLD THAT AGAINST ME..

PPPS - I'm going to leave now before I make things even worse. I just have to hope that you're as mature as I think you are, and that you'll realize I wasn't being myself just now. It's just that you know how important our relationship is to me, and it upsets me that there are things that get in the way of us both enjoying it fully in every possible way that we can. Please think about what I've said, and when you make your decision, think about how much better it will be for both of us if everything between us is open and honest without any secrets to come between us.


Copyright © 2002 Pete Patterson. All rights reserved.

Judy's Got a Bad Rash


I ordered a 3D product called Poser that allows one to create posed 3D figures to import into other 3D programs. The CD that arrived was defective, and it took a while to get their attention, but once they solved the problem I wrote the nice girl a thank you poem.

-----Original Message-----
From: Tori Porter
Sent: January 15, 2003 4:48 PM
Subject: RE: customer service on vacation?


Thanks Pete! That was really COOL! (I made everyone in the office read it!)

Tori

**************************************
Tori Nichelle Porter
Product Development Specialist
Beta Goddess
Curious Labs Inc.


-----Original Message-----
From: Pete Patterson
Sent: Wednesday, January 15, 2003 12:03 PM
To: 'Curious Labs Service'
Subject: RE: customer service on vacation?


I write doggerel poems. It's a hobby. Thanks for helping me out.

--

I'm so sorry Tori that things got so gory.
The way it turned out though makes quite a good story
You called me.. I'm happy.. the problem is solved
Without getting anyone further involved

In the meantime I'm still busy having a ball
With the program "as is" from a partial install
Though I feel like the creep from "Silence of the Lambs"
Cause I had to give Judy the skin from the man

(She looks scary hairy - Like 'Klinger' from M.A.S.H.
And it looks like her skin is ablight with some rash)

But although her geometry's jagged and jumbled
And some of the hems on her clothing have crumbled
And the renders are blotchy and full of odd stipples
And she looks kind of funny with untextured nipples

-- risque ending --

Your product still rocks... absolutely the best
With 28 ways you can tailor a breast

-- alternate risque ending --

I still love the product.. the best in it's genus
Who else can boast fifteen adjustments for 'penis'?


Like I said.. it 's a hobby.

Copyright © 2003 Pete Patterson. All rights reserved.